Letter From A Dim Contrarian
When I lived in Taiwan I didn’t have a TV or a computer – not that I say that to be cool. Don’t you hate that? When people always have to prove their hip-ness by their totally awesome and subversive disdain for television? “Yeah, well, I don’t watch TV because I’m too busy cross training and reading books about Zen gardening and Dmitri Mendeleev’s bigamy”. These are the same people that think calling Wednesday ‘Hump Day’ is hilarious. ANYway: because of this lack of information technology, when the boys and I first started playing Texas Hold ‘Em and discovered Napoleon Dynamite we had no idea they were becoming phenomena back home. When I got back to Canada it was odd to see that these two very specific things that I had felt so privy to were actual far reaching and popular trends.
The idea of a collective unconscious isn’t new (I think the term was first coined by a floating gas cloud on the original Star Trek series) – still I guess I always thought I was special, that I wasn’t one of the flock. My thoughts and interests are my own, and to try and assuage the choking realization I’m the majority I have listed that which is popular but I hate, and that which is unpopular and I love. Perhaps this will prove how different I am. Just like everybody else.
THINGS THAT EVERYONE SEEMS TO LOVE EXCEPT ME
· Guitar Hero – I mean, it is an undisputed fact that video games reached their apex with Super Mario Brothers 3, so why even pretend that this is something to behold. And isn’t it honestly just a very lazy version of Dance-Dance-Revolution? I know, on the highest difficulty setting it’s as challenging as playing an actual guitar, but if that’s the case – play an actual guitar! Because, believe me, no one has ever gotten laid because they’re good at video games. I’ve been searching my whole life for a girl who will strap on the kneepads as soon as I tell her how fast I knocked out Soda Popinski in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. It’s not happening.
· Garden State – Will everyone just relax! Zach Braff does not speak for this generation. I know, we all love the Shins, as well we should, but this movie isn’t as great as everyone thinks it is. It’s the Reality Bites of the 21st century (for the record, that movie sucks too). It’s really just a series on one-upmanship with each scene trying to out-clever the last, Natalie Portman is more annoying than charming, and the confrontation between him and his dad is extremely disappointing. Peter Sarsgaard is sweet, but you want to a see a good movie about ennui watch Happiness. If it’s the love story that appeals to you, Say Anything or Chasing Amy are a million times better with a lot more quotable lines, too.
· Jim Morrison – Oh, he’s pretty – you got to give him that. But if the famous abusive drunk David Hasselhoff doesn’t get any respect, I’m not sure why this wife-beating drunk gets to be on every teenager’s wall in North America. He’s an awful person, who isolated his friends, broke his family’s hearts and somehow duped an entire generation of music appreciators with the most rampant case of pretentiousness and ego I’ve ever read about. He was, by far, the least talented member of the Doors, but I guess if Keanu Reeves can get 20 million per movie, maybe looking like a rock star is all you really need. Not that I’m bitter – because believe me, the world is just DYING for an OMC cover band lead by a bald East Indian guy that bites his nails. My time will come.
THINGS THAT EVERYONE SEEMS TO HATE EXCEPT ME
· Tom Cruise’s Acting – I know he’s probably out with John Travolta dunking his baby in Tom Collins Mix while wearing a tinfoil helmet or whatever it is Scientologists do on their days off, but I have to tell you, I did the guy’s flicks. From Born on the Fourth of July to Jerry Maguire to Eyes Wide Shut from Magnolia to Vanilla Sky to Minority Report, he consistently chooses roles that are unflattering, challenging, interesting and affecting. There’s a willingness in his work to be unlikable as a character and, more than anything, that’s the kind of courage that impresses me about an actor. In a weird way this contradicts what I said earlier about Jim Morrison – the idea of separating what kind of person you think the artist is and the work they produce. I guess my only counter argument is that I feel Tom Cruise may be misguided and silly in some of his beliefs, but that is forgivable whereas Morrison, to me, appeared to be more awful and self-serving, to which I can’t abide. But, I guess, at the end of the day what it really comes down to is I’d still rather watch Risky Business than listen to Morrison Hotel. And not only because one has boobs in it.
· Romance – Listen, we’ve all been around couples that you want to skin alive out of disgust for their cuteness, but usually it’s out of jealousy. Besides, I’m not talking about sappy, romantic sentiments (which, to be honest, I also have a soft spot for – in moderation, of course). What I mean here is love. Not being with someone because they make you feel awesome or because you love showing them off – being with them because you can’t wait to hear what they have to say next, because you actually care about the answers they give to the questions you ask, because you’re interested in what they’re doing, not just what the both of you are doing. Now I know you’re going to say: “Hey, douche bag, people DO like that shit. You’re stupid and look like Jon Lovitz and smell like tampons!” Well first of all, take it easy and secondly, no - people don’t like it. It’s true. They get uncomfortable being complimented. They don’t know how to deal with selflessness in others. They like assholes. They assume being taken care of is synonymous with being weak. I’m like that, too – everyone likes the thrill of the hunt, when things are too easy they become boring or scary. I’m not unsympathetic. But, I will say, I endeavor to try and put the other person first. I try to not downplay what makes them upset and actually listen when they’re talking. I believe you can do things for someone you love, not out of obligation or a desire to have it returned, but because you want to do something nice for them. I’ve seen it. I know real romance is out there. I bet it happens everyday.
· Untalented Ugliness – People dig skills. Talent’s sexy – I certainly am attracted to ability and not to sound boastful, but I’d like to think I possess a modicum of talent in certain, unmarketable, fields (I owned the grade 7 Pog league. Fucking owned that shit). And that’s all good. But like Atticus Finch never cashing in on his sharp-shooting ability, there’s something inherently noble about the hard-earned achievement. It’s not an easy thing to verbalize, but I like things that are messy – I appreciate it when it’s a struggle and doesn’t work out that well. Perhaps this is more so true in the arts, than say in surgery or bridge construction, but I’d always rather see passion that precision. Beautiful things aren’t pretty. When it’s beat-up and banal I find it infinitely more interesting than the streamlined and polished. It’s true in people, as well. I guess I’m a firm believer in the adage: ‘you love someone because of their faults, not in spite of them’. When you’re unwashed, selfish, tired, angry, sad, in love, drunk, silly, brave…this is the person you are. The person who thinks how nobody understand them, the person who has so much to give if someone would just see it in them, the person who spends an hour writing a nebulous, boring essay no one will read – that person is an illusion, and bedsides, they’re far less intriguing. It can be frustrating and requires a lot of patience. But if Axl Rose can see the value in it, there’s hope for us all.
Sorry for getting kind of serious at the end there – it’s been happening a lot lately. And, yeah, to that person: I know you’re just not feeling it, and I think I’ll be all right with that. And to that other person, maybe I’m all right with that because, you’re correct, I love you back. Let’s be different together. Later.
The idea of a collective unconscious isn’t new (I think the term was first coined by a floating gas cloud on the original Star Trek series) – still I guess I always thought I was special, that I wasn’t one of the flock. My thoughts and interests are my own, and to try and assuage the choking realization I’m the majority I have listed that which is popular but I hate, and that which is unpopular and I love. Perhaps this will prove how different I am. Just like everybody else.
THINGS THAT EVERYONE SEEMS TO LOVE EXCEPT ME
· Guitar Hero – I mean, it is an undisputed fact that video games reached their apex with Super Mario Brothers 3, so why even pretend that this is something to behold. And isn’t it honestly just a very lazy version of Dance-Dance-Revolution? I know, on the highest difficulty setting it’s as challenging as playing an actual guitar, but if that’s the case – play an actual guitar! Because, believe me, no one has ever gotten laid because they’re good at video games. I’ve been searching my whole life for a girl who will strap on the kneepads as soon as I tell her how fast I knocked out Soda Popinski in Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. It’s not happening.
· Garden State – Will everyone just relax! Zach Braff does not speak for this generation. I know, we all love the Shins, as well we should, but this movie isn’t as great as everyone thinks it is. It’s the Reality Bites of the 21st century (for the record, that movie sucks too). It’s really just a series on one-upmanship with each scene trying to out-clever the last, Natalie Portman is more annoying than charming, and the confrontation between him and his dad is extremely disappointing. Peter Sarsgaard is sweet, but you want to a see a good movie about ennui watch Happiness. If it’s the love story that appeals to you, Say Anything or Chasing Amy are a million times better with a lot more quotable lines, too.
· Jim Morrison – Oh, he’s pretty – you got to give him that. But if the famous abusive drunk David Hasselhoff doesn’t get any respect, I’m not sure why this wife-beating drunk gets to be on every teenager’s wall in North America. He’s an awful person, who isolated his friends, broke his family’s hearts and somehow duped an entire generation of music appreciators with the most rampant case of pretentiousness and ego I’ve ever read about. He was, by far, the least talented member of the Doors, but I guess if Keanu Reeves can get 20 million per movie, maybe looking like a rock star is all you really need. Not that I’m bitter – because believe me, the world is just DYING for an OMC cover band lead by a bald East Indian guy that bites his nails. My time will come.
THINGS THAT EVERYONE SEEMS TO HATE EXCEPT ME
· Tom Cruise’s Acting – I know he’s probably out with John Travolta dunking his baby in Tom Collins Mix while wearing a tinfoil helmet or whatever it is Scientologists do on their days off, but I have to tell you, I did the guy’s flicks. From Born on the Fourth of July to Jerry Maguire to Eyes Wide Shut from Magnolia to Vanilla Sky to Minority Report, he consistently chooses roles that are unflattering, challenging, interesting and affecting. There’s a willingness in his work to be unlikable as a character and, more than anything, that’s the kind of courage that impresses me about an actor. In a weird way this contradicts what I said earlier about Jim Morrison – the idea of separating what kind of person you think the artist is and the work they produce. I guess my only counter argument is that I feel Tom Cruise may be misguided and silly in some of his beliefs, but that is forgivable whereas Morrison, to me, appeared to be more awful and self-serving, to which I can’t abide. But, I guess, at the end of the day what it really comes down to is I’d still rather watch Risky Business than listen to Morrison Hotel. And not only because one has boobs in it.
· Romance – Listen, we’ve all been around couples that you want to skin alive out of disgust for their cuteness, but usually it’s out of jealousy. Besides, I’m not talking about sappy, romantic sentiments (which, to be honest, I also have a soft spot for – in moderation, of course). What I mean here is love. Not being with someone because they make you feel awesome or because you love showing them off – being with them because you can’t wait to hear what they have to say next, because you actually care about the answers they give to the questions you ask, because you’re interested in what they’re doing, not just what the both of you are doing. Now I know you’re going to say: “Hey, douche bag, people DO like that shit. You’re stupid and look like Jon Lovitz and smell like tampons!” Well first of all, take it easy and secondly, no - people don’t like it. It’s true. They get uncomfortable being complimented. They don’t know how to deal with selflessness in others. They like assholes. They assume being taken care of is synonymous with being weak. I’m like that, too – everyone likes the thrill of the hunt, when things are too easy they become boring or scary. I’m not unsympathetic. But, I will say, I endeavor to try and put the other person first. I try to not downplay what makes them upset and actually listen when they’re talking. I believe you can do things for someone you love, not out of obligation or a desire to have it returned, but because you want to do something nice for them. I’ve seen it. I know real romance is out there. I bet it happens everyday.
· Untalented Ugliness – People dig skills. Talent’s sexy – I certainly am attracted to ability and not to sound boastful, but I’d like to think I possess a modicum of talent in certain, unmarketable, fields (I owned the grade 7 Pog league. Fucking owned that shit). And that’s all good. But like Atticus Finch never cashing in on his sharp-shooting ability, there’s something inherently noble about the hard-earned achievement. It’s not an easy thing to verbalize, but I like things that are messy – I appreciate it when it’s a struggle and doesn’t work out that well. Perhaps this is more so true in the arts, than say in surgery or bridge construction, but I’d always rather see passion that precision. Beautiful things aren’t pretty. When it’s beat-up and banal I find it infinitely more interesting than the streamlined and polished. It’s true in people, as well. I guess I’m a firm believer in the adage: ‘you love someone because of their faults, not in spite of them’. When you’re unwashed, selfish, tired, angry, sad, in love, drunk, silly, brave…this is the person you are. The person who thinks how nobody understand them, the person who has so much to give if someone would just see it in them, the person who spends an hour writing a nebulous, boring essay no one will read – that person is an illusion, and bedsides, they’re far less intriguing. It can be frustrating and requires a lot of patience. But if Axl Rose can see the value in it, there’s hope for us all.
Sorry for getting kind of serious at the end there – it’s been happening a lot lately. And, yeah, to that person: I know you’re just not feeling it, and I think I’ll be all right with that. And to that other person, maybe I’m all right with that because, you’re correct, I love you back. Let’s be different together. Later.
posted by Jag at 5:22 PM
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