On The Bus Today

INTRODUCTION

On the bus today, there was guy wearing a t-shirt. Which is normal. His t-shirt said ‘Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck’. This is not normal.
The best part was he was carrying a manila envelope. As he sat beside me near the back of the bus he pulled out the stacks of paper within the envelope. Resumes. Probably twenty of them. The T-shirt had crossed the line from inappropriate to illogical.

CHAPTER ONE

A guy who takes the bus and wears t-shirts that have three expletives on the front is going to have a roommate. You know he is. And his roommate is definitely going to be a guy. They had a conversation this morning as Fuck Shirt was getting ready to pound that pavement and his roommate, Onionrings McFailure, was catching up, via TiVo, and live-blogging about Steven Seagal: Lawman.

SHIRT: This pizza’s cold
McFAILURE: it was in the fridge
SHIRT: I hate fags.
McFAILURE: Me too. Where you going so early?
SHIRT: What time is it?
McFAILURE: Like, 11:45
SHIRT: Yeah, man, I’m going to hand out some resumes.
McFAILURE: Why don’t you change your shirt?
SHIRT: Why?
McFAILURE: Because it says ‘fuck’ all over it?
SHIRT: Whatever. My monkey giving the finger T-shirt is all dirty. I think I puked KFC Biscuit Bowl all over it.
McFAILURE: I wanna bang that shooter girl at Oil City Roadhouse.
SHIRT: See you later.

CHAPTER TWO

FROM GOOGLING ‘JOB INTERVIEW TIPS’, SELECTION THREE:

Tough Interview Questions

A tough interview question is any question that you're not prepared for. Below are some sample questions you might be asked during a job interview. For each question, formulate a thoughtful answer. Then memorize it. Being prepared to answer these (or similar) questions will make you more comfortable and confident in any job interview – and increase your chance of being hired.

Knowledge of Yourself

In five words or less, describe yourself. Tell me about yourself. Describe your best friend. Tell me a story. What are your weaknesses? (or: What areas of your job performance could be improved? or: What would you find most challenging about this job?) What special skills do you have? What have you accomplished? What are your goals? Why should I hire you?

SHIRT: I’m…rad…and…love…to…party. Is that five words? Whatever man, I don’t need words – except on my shirt – have you seen this shirt? It’s goddamn hilarious! I got five words for you, man! ‘Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck!’ This shirt is my special skill, man. Oh yeah, this one time – we found this dead deer on the road and we took pictures of Rob, man, like pretending he was fucking it but it turned out the deer wasn’t dead it was alive!

Rob has deer nightmares now.

Knowledge of the Employer

Why do you want to work for us? How could you contribute to our company's goals? Evaluate your most recent employer. What do you expect from an employer? What is the greatest challenge facing our field today? What sets us apart from our competitors?

SHIRT: I fucking rocked kindergarten when I was a kid, so I figure I could teach that shit. It’s gotta be pretty easy – A,B,C 1,2,3 and all the planets and shit, like fucking Zeus and Tron and shit. Man, I was working on a lathe, but Bill kept lipping off and I fucking told Bill: ‘if you keep lipping off, I’m going to fucking throw this Red Bull can at your head.’ I was wearing this awesome shirt when I did it. Fucking beaned him. So they fired me, but I don’t care. They wouldn’t even let me dress up for Halloween as ‘haunted lathe operator’ because of safety…that job was bullshit. I think I teaching these bastard kids would be easy as shit and I’d get summers off.

Personality Traits

How do you handle disagreements with your superiors? Do you feel comfortable delegating tasks? What tasks do you like the least? What types of people do you work best with? Are there any types of people who "rub you the wrong way?" Are you a leader or a follower? In your last job, what was your biggest disappointment? What motivates you? What makes you angry? What's the greatest honour you’ve ever had? How well do you handle criticism?

SHIRT: Look at my shirt – have you seen it? That’s how I deal with criticism, man! From the heart, I don’t take no bullshit! Remember Club Malibu? I totally was banging this drunk chick from Barrhead one night in the bathroom – with her boyfriend outside smoking! You believe that shit! HIGH FIVE! I didn’t have a condom or anything, but I figured I’d just give her a fake number afterwards and I washed my dick in the sink later with some Clorox…wait, what was the question? Rubs me the wrong way? Well that Barrhead chick rubbed me pretty good! Know what I’m saying? You know what pisses me off, man? Too many fucking immigrants! It’s like everybody at the dollar store is from some weird country like Africa or Calcutta. But whatever, man, that makes this shirt even radder, because they don’t know that I’m pointing at my chest and totally burning them, man! Fuck You, You Fucking Fuck!

Happy Holidays,


Jag is the 2009 Prize Laureate of The J. William Fulbright Prize for International Understanding. He resides in McKernan-Belgravia.