I Promised Myself I Wouldn't Write Posts Like This
You know what’s weird? You can buy fireworks in Vancouver everywhere. Apparently it’s tradition around here to set them off during the entire week of Halloween with a large, city-sponsored display on the 31st. What an odd place this is. Such fanfare for what is, essentially, the Ringo Starr of holidays.
School is going well (I got my first ever 100% on a midterm! Lick my taint in appreciation!). At times, though, I feel like we are spending too much time on the business, practicality side of things and not enough on the craft, story-telling, art of moviemaking side of things, but I guess this is a school and their job is to prepare you for employment. Although, I must say I’m having the most of fun (and learning the most as well) from our ‘off the grid’ shoots on weekends and after school. Last night I was camera operator/DOP for a short Nathan was directing/starring in. It was about a suicide and Nate Dogg bought this fake skin shit so he could actually slice into his arm and also got loads of fake blood. It looked so gross, and therefore, awesome. I can’t wait to show y’all.
Today I spent the entire day inside my room, which, coincidentally, is my entire living area. I caught up on sleep mostly and wrote a short 8-page script the boys and I will hopefully shoot in late November. It was nice to sit around and eat out of the container and jerk-off with impunity, but truthfully it would’ve been a good, rainy day to spend eating ice cream and watching movies in your pajamas with a pretty girl.
I wrote in a previous entry about how sentiments can be all you need sometimes, that the idea of a person or the blanks you fill in for said person can sustain you for a while. But not forever. Those types of relationships don’t survive – they come in beautiful and die early, spitting blood in an ICU.
Sometimes you view those in your past and yearn for that familiar embrace, the person who you know goes beyond sentiments. The person who you already know the secrets of and whom with you share a kind of shorthand.
It’s dangerous though, kid. I mean, and this is the question always presented, do you miss having a girlfriend or do you just miss having a girl around? Hmmm…that’s tricky. I’ve been on a few dates and had some drunken hook-ups and one truly special night with a kind woman that I had met in Edmonton and only the latter left me sated in the morning. I think I’m one of THOSE guys. The kind who wants to burn CDs and write poetry. To hold hands and stroke her hair. To gush in public and annoy all my friends. This can also lead to thoughts of those girls from your past with their shallow breaths in the dark of their rooms, the familiar pale stomachs you place your hand on under their old, faded sleeping t-shirts.
Which, in turn, leads to more tricky and obvious questions: do you miss that specific girlfriend or the concept of having a girlfriend? I don’t know. Perhaps it is merely the concept and when I find that girl who fulfills not only my desires, but her own potential as well, I will rest. I will rest knowing that I can be happy here and let all the doubts and need to reconnect with the past fade and yellow and wither away like discarded newsprint.
Or maybe I truly do miss that girl from my past, and that I’m currently searching for something I’ve already had and know where to go back, and through apologizing and attrition, regain what I ruined.
These are conundrums without solutions, and until I am presented with one of the above scenarios of either meeting a new girl I can envision a future with or succumb to my fiery bouts of nostomania and have a true, naked conversation with an ex I still think about (I mean naked emotionally – we can talk with our clothes on) I will adhere to the only truthful thing anyone can really respond with in situations like these:
I don’t know.
School is going well (I got my first ever 100% on a midterm! Lick my taint in appreciation!). At times, though, I feel like we are spending too much time on the business, practicality side of things and not enough on the craft, story-telling, art of moviemaking side of things, but I guess this is a school and their job is to prepare you for employment. Although, I must say I’m having the most of fun (and learning the most as well) from our ‘off the grid’ shoots on weekends and after school. Last night I was camera operator/DOP for a short Nathan was directing/starring in. It was about a suicide and Nate Dogg bought this fake skin shit so he could actually slice into his arm and also got loads of fake blood. It looked so gross, and therefore, awesome. I can’t wait to show y’all.
Today I spent the entire day inside my room, which, coincidentally, is my entire living area. I caught up on sleep mostly and wrote a short 8-page script the boys and I will hopefully shoot in late November. It was nice to sit around and eat out of the container and jerk-off with impunity, but truthfully it would’ve been a good, rainy day to spend eating ice cream and watching movies in your pajamas with a pretty girl.
I wrote in a previous entry about how sentiments can be all you need sometimes, that the idea of a person or the blanks you fill in for said person can sustain you for a while. But not forever. Those types of relationships don’t survive – they come in beautiful and die early, spitting blood in an ICU.
Sometimes you view those in your past and yearn for that familiar embrace, the person who you know goes beyond sentiments. The person who you already know the secrets of and whom with you share a kind of shorthand.
It’s dangerous though, kid. I mean, and this is the question always presented, do you miss having a girlfriend or do you just miss having a girl around? Hmmm…that’s tricky. I’ve been on a few dates and had some drunken hook-ups and one truly special night with a kind woman that I had met in Edmonton and only the latter left me sated in the morning. I think I’m one of THOSE guys. The kind who wants to burn CDs and write poetry. To hold hands and stroke her hair. To gush in public and annoy all my friends. This can also lead to thoughts of those girls from your past with their shallow breaths in the dark of their rooms, the familiar pale stomachs you place your hand on under their old, faded sleeping t-shirts.
Which, in turn, leads to more tricky and obvious questions: do you miss that specific girlfriend or the concept of having a girlfriend? I don’t know. Perhaps it is merely the concept and when I find that girl who fulfills not only my desires, but her own potential as well, I will rest. I will rest knowing that I can be happy here and let all the doubts and need to reconnect with the past fade and yellow and wither away like discarded newsprint.
Or maybe I truly do miss that girl from my past, and that I’m currently searching for something I’ve already had and know where to go back, and through apologizing and attrition, regain what I ruined.
These are conundrums without solutions, and until I am presented with one of the above scenarios of either meeting a new girl I can envision a future with or succumb to my fiery bouts of nostomania and have a true, naked conversation with an ex I still think about (I mean naked emotionally – we can talk with our clothes on) I will adhere to the only truthful thing anyone can really respond with in situations like these:
I don’t know.
posted by Jag at 12:48 AM
6 Comments:
I'm in your debt, Mr.President. That song is great - thanks!
Good song, Gerald!
Jag: not to sound like a post-modernist jackass or something, but I think this is a case of "to ask the question is to answer it."
Personally, the only truly happy relationships I've had arrived when I totally didn't care and they just sort of fell into my life unexpectedly because I wasn't looking. Whenever I've been searching or thinking too much, I've tended to end up in relationships that quickly became nightmares.
I think you'll know when it's right because you won't even have to ask these questions anymore. Also, I think we all tend to look back on past relationships with rose-tinted glasses, forgetting all the bad things--hence why people redate past loves only to quickly break up after a few drunken hookups (and some repeat this cycle a couple more times until it sinks in).
On a completely unrelated note: are you coming back for Xmas? We have much partying to do. Laser Tag!
Put this in your brain and smoke it!
"I felt your Shape" by The Microphones, sweet and precious like a love letter in your high school locker.
If you are thinking of that person constantly, there is nothing wrong with questioning why it didnt happen.
I think Mr. mcqueen brings up a good point when he says "I think you'll know when it's right because you won't even have to ask these questions anymore." .
But you have to think when you are actually with this person do you think of these questions or is your mind clear and all you think about is each other.... you've had all the perfect moments, but never the perfect way, or perfect time, or perfect location, or perfect life. To give it a chance.
As in a perfect romance, you have moments were you show affection, and you wish they wouldnt end, but then those moments are so far apart. that it never grows, but you believe it could... and that person is always in your mind. maybe one day you will both be in the right place at the right time. Maybe it could be, and thats why you think of them!
She is your Elizabeth and you are her Mr.Darcy!
Who doesnt long for that kind of romance... you seem to!
Um, thanks for the message. What you said was very touching to me and right on the nose. But I don't know who you are. There are a select few I know who would make a Pride and Prejudice reference. Unless I don't know you, in which case it's a little weird (but more flattering) you care this much about my love life. I beesech you, tell me who you are - or I will be forced to ignore everything you say.
I am the one... the only... Spash!
I dont know just figured I would throw in my opinion. Feel free to disregard it, I am just a hopeless romantic!
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